From crushes and first dates to late-night texts and messy breakups, love appears in all kinds of ways. Love can feel intoxicating at first—racing heart, phone buzzing, the world suddenly brighter. But what’s really driving those feelings?  

As Valentine’s Day approaches, we turned to Department of Psychology Professor Erica Hart, who teaches Human Sexual Behavior and practices psychotherapy for individuals and couples. Hart unpacks the psychology behind attraction, new-relationship euphoria, true love, and heartbreak, explaining what’s happening in our brains when we fall in love, why certain relationships thrive, and what it takes to make love last. 

PH: What happens in our brains when we fall in love? 

EH: There is some interesting science behind that rush of feelings we get when we start falling for someone. Research using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) indicates that certain areas of our brain are more active when thinking about our love interest. These are the caudate nucleus and ventral tegmental areas, places that produce the neurotransmitter dopamine, our “go for the reward” messenger. It means that the feeling of falling in love is akin to the high of taking certain drugs, which stimulate dopamine. Pretty amazing! 

PH: Do opposites really attract—and can those relationships last? 

EH: While there are times when opposites attract, we are much more likely to find that birds of a feather flock together in our love lives. The reason for this is because we humans like to feel correct about our beliefs, so having a partner who doesn’t see eye-to-eye with us on important things (values, beliefs, and especially politics) will eventually become frustrating. We’d rather stick with folks who share our way of relating to the world, and like to do things we’re also interested in.  

That being said, there is an optimal similarity. For instance, partnerships may stoke feelings of competitiveness if our significant other is too good at the things we pride ourselves on doing well. Pairings with two seemingly different individuals also may represent surface-level differences (for example, a sporty person with an artsy type, or an introvert married to an extrovert), but deeper down there may be more commonalities than initially noticed. 

There are times when a person with dissimilar interests might work well for us; think complementary traits as opposed to duplicative. This can make daily functioning, like dividing household chores, a bit easier. Lastly, engaging with those who live differently and see the world through another lens can encourage us to learn more about ourselves. When we are given opportunities to challenge our assumptions, we open ourselves to growth and a deeper, more expansive understanding of life. 

PH: Why does new love often come with butterflies and feelings of euphoria? 

EH: Those butterflies capture what is known as new relationship energy (NRE). These are the delicious feelings that arise with a new partner. In the early stages, the relationship is full of promise and potential. Everything is exciting, and spending time with this person is almost intoxicating. This comes about due to a combination of desire, positive self-presentation, and mutual curiosity.  

During the first few months of a relationship, it’s quite possible that you and your new romantic partner are on best behavior with one another. You are in the process of learning about each other and want to show up as the ideal version of yourself, so you might put in a little extra effort. At this point, everything looks a little rosier than usual—the world, the future, and especially this remarkable new person. 

Growing intimacy in the form of shared experiences, conversations and affection can feel thrilling. You think, “Here is this person who is getting to know me and actually kind of likes me!” which may feel novel and intensely appealing. Experiencing that attention and affection only makes time spent together more enticing and almost addictive.  

Lastly, often in the early stages of a relationship, we haven’t yet had to deal with challenges or conflicts. The harder stuff comes later when the NRE wears off, and we start having to deal with the reality of a relationship. Luckily though, once we get here, we have the opportunity for mature love and a deeper commitment to facing those difficulties together. 

PH: Why do breakups hurt so much? 

EH: Depending on the context, breakups can evoke many feelings: grief, anxiety, confusion, and for some, even relief.  

For those experiencing pain, there is often sadness over the loss of an imagined future. In romantic relationships, we may rehearse what it will be like to continue to grow and experience life together. When the reality of a breakup hits, that future we constructed gets demolished. We are forced to rebuild from scratch without that individual in the picture. 

At the rock-bottom of heartache, it may even be difficult to envision life without this person. The good news is that we often underestimate our ability to get through hardship. People tend to downplay their ability to adapt to new circumstances, and forecast being unhappy for longer than what actually occurs. It is true that loss will take its toll on us, but eventually the pain will subside, and a new future reality will feel possible again. 

PH: What are the traits of a strong, loving relationship? What makes love last? 

EH: There are several ingredients for healthy, meaningful, and satisfying relationship. The first place to start in building a solid connection is with yourself! Insight into what we bring to the table (all the good, bad, and ugly) can help us stay mindful of what we might need to work on to become a thoughtful and caring partner. One accessible way to explore yourself is by learning about your attachment style. For those who are avoidant or anxiously attached, conflict often triggers predictable internal responses. In tense moments, avoidant partners may feel a strong pull to distance themselves, while anxious partners may move closer, grasping for reassurance. Although understandable, these patterns can become damaging over time. Shifting toward more intentional choices, for instance by noticing and tending to attachment needs instead of reacting automatically, can support stronger, more secure relationships. Additionally, doing further self-exploration by reading, reflecting, and/or speaking to a trusted person like a friend or therapist, can offer continued opportunities for personal improvement. 

Building trust between partners increases compassion and is an essential foundation for long-term relationships. This is cultivated through communicating openly and honestly, listening nondefensively when your partner expresses concerns, and aiming to find compromise and mutually satisfying solutions to issues. Approaching situations by giving your significant other the benefit of the doubt also goes a long way. 

Lastly, stay connected and attentive. Keep an eye out for bids for connection from your loved one. These can be explicit requests for engagement (“Hey did you see that article in The Atlantic this morning?”) or something more implied, like when your sweetie plops down on the couch with a huge sigh and looks distressed. In these moments, turn towards that person and meet them in their experience. Use it as an opportunity to show curiosity, empathy, and connection. It’s a way of saying, “I care, and I want to enter into your world because I love you!” This kind of behavior repeated over years will create a solid foundation for mutuality in your relationship.  

About Professor Erica Hart